aTypical Joe: a gay New Yorker living in the rural South
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Colbert Pride
When my straight friends - who lived on a heavily traveled downtown corner and flew a gay flag in their large living room window - moved away last year, I pointed to a post on Larry Lessig’s blog, Gay Like Me , by Jennifer Brown, co-author of Straightforward: How to Mobilize Heterosexual Support for Gay Rights. In it she suggests that by “permitting confusion about whether or not they are gay...heterosexuals can promote gay rights.”
This week my straight friends here - aware that I watch TV in TiVo-time - have been very eager for me to sit down and watch The Colbert Report from last Monday. 
I finally did last night. In it Stephen Colbert hilariously illustrates Brown’s point. bitter_crimson provides the excerpts. From the intro:
“You know, I am really steamed. I marched in a parade this weekend; the poster said it was in honor of my favorite emotion: Pride. Well it turns out it was a gay pride parade. And I didn’t find out until after I’d marched for three hours shouting, “I am Stephen Colbert, and I am proud to be out.” By which I clearly meant outside: it was a lovely day.
“Apparently this whole week is Gay Pride Week. Now, I’ve got no problem with gay people, except for my many problems with gay people. But why do they have to steal the word “Pride”? It’s yet another attempt by the homo-lexicographical agenda to turn our dictionaries gay. They already took the word “gay” and gayed it all up. I used to use that word all the time - then they stole rainbows and closets. Back in college, when I was young and gay, I threw the gayest rainbow-themed closet parties around. Jimmy, put up that picture! [above]God I miss those short-shorts. They really cooled down my upper thighs!”
Then came Threatdown: Homo-Sexy Edition:
The number FIVE threat to my heterosexuality is “Gay Superheroes.” Thanks to stories about Superman Returns in the gay monthly The Advocate and the LA Times, the media is all abuzz about a possible shift in Superman’s orientation. Take a look. ...
“Now, I don’t trust most rumors, but where there’s smoke, there’s flaming fire. This has got me nervous: Americans mimic the behavior of their heroes, so if Superman turns out to be gay, he’ll turn America super-gay. We’re talking gayer than a speeding bullet. Sure, there were hints in the old comics, but when I was a kid he stood for everything that was good about America. He even fought a member of the nerd patrol named Braniac. And he came here after his home planet Krypton was destroyed, most likely, by gay marriage.[...][Threat number two is the “ex-gay movement."]
“As a straight man, I should never be told that same-sex attraction can be cured, because if it can, what’s stopping me from taking a dip in that end of the pool? The hot, salty end. And then when I’ve had enough, I can just read Leviticus and *snap* presto, I’m cured. The idea that it’s temporary makes it all-too-tempting. The only thing holding me back is that I don’t desire men.
“Which brings me to threat number ONE: “Desirable Men.” Okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say there’s a gun to me head, and I’ve gotta pick somebody. I’ll say it: George Clooney, Denzel Washington and Johnny Depp. Okay, that’s three. I’ll throw in a fourth! A young Sean Connery. Lord help me if they ever build a time machine. But the worst offender? Brad Pitt. Specifically from the movie Fight Club. Look at these abs: that is beyond washboard. You could grate reggiano parmesan on that stomach. I have thrown out five copies of that DVD, but every Friday night somehow it’s back in my player. Congress, if you wanna preserve marriage, you will ban that movie and make Brad put on some weight. I’m not gay, but come on, I’m human.
“And the other number one threat? BEARS.” [Oh, I love him so much it’s insane.]
BONUS VIDEO: Colbert, “manning the baricades at fort marriage” ... “I got no problem with people marrying snakes, as long as they’re not marrying gay snakes” (with fun opening flub).
